Monday, November 2, 2015

Christmas 2015!

Never too early to get started! I already have some things in mind, so I thought I'd start writing it out! Also, I got the Christmas cup at Newk's yesterday and have been watching (truly terrible/wonderful) Hallmark Christmas movies like it's my job - so just in case the Christmas spirit bug has hit you, too - here's some shopping!

1. Neutral sandals! (size 7) $37

2. The best kind of pants in the world. (Size: S, Color: Black/White) $120

3. A DVD player. (doesn't have to be this one, just a cheap, easy DVD player with no extra gimmicks - just want something to watch movies on!) $24

4. Humans of New York: Stories book $18

5. Blender $20

6. Super cozy green pants! (small) $54

7. Some good tennis shoes with support (winter guard hurts my feet) (size 6,  color black) I've been having the worst time finding these shoes, but I really need new tennis shoes. May just have to use Christmas money to buy these :( $85

8. This pretty pink lipstick! $5

9. These Lovely Ink Meets Paper card sets $18 each here, here, and here 

10. TOMS (they have come a long way!) (size 7) $89

11. Cute pennant! I've been eying this for two years at ICP :) $26

12. Whiplash DVD $13

13. Culley Made infinity scarf! $45

14. Flower keyboard! So cute! (Size: Macbook Pro) $20

15. The dress that matches everything! (size: S, Color: Grey) $53

16. This beautiful coat! (size: S) $89

17. A couple of pretty clutches! here, here, here, here, and here 

18. Hoops for my cartilage (Quantity: 2, Material: Silver, Diameter: 8 mm) $4 each/ $8 for both

19. Some pretty great Roots stuff.. here and here (small and grey for both!)

20. Tinted Eye Brightener (color: Bisque) $32

21. Interesting jumbled up ring that I really like! (size 7)  $47

22. A surprisingly cheap scarf! (beige) $10

23. Tee shirt that has a Waldo look-a-like on it :) (name: Bergkamp, size: S) - $13

24. Some dope socks? $15 and $10 

25. Really cute skirt to match anything! (color: grey; size: small) $42


- Stitch Fix!!! (this is a big one!)
- Fandango
- Yeah! Burger
- Jeni's
- Victoria's Secret
- iTunes
- J Crew
- Lululemon
- Newk's
- Bath and Body Works
- Nike
- Kroger
- Barnes and Noble
- Panera
- Starbucks
- Etsy
- Outback
- Anthropologie
- Old Navy
- Sephora


Tuesday, August 11, 2015

The summer I didn't get it all together.

Here we are. The other side of what I assumed for so long would complete me. I've now marched a summer of drum corps with an amazing corps full of amazing people, but I'm left with a feeling too familiar. I still don't have it together. I'm not all figured out and I don't even exactly know what happened this summer. It all feels like a blur of high school gyms, turf nuggets, and entirely too damp gloves. Each day melted into another and drum corps was not at all what I thought it would be.

Since I was first introduced to drum corps, I was under the false belief that everyone on the field was perfect. It sounds so silly, but I really watched in such awe that I thought it was other-worldly - almost magic. I held onto the idea that if I could march in a show, I would have a piece of that perfection. I would be a part of that confident presence I saw from each corps I loved.

But it's not that glamourous.

Drum corps is a circus. Almost literally. You drive all over the country in a fleet of about 7 vehicles, eat out of a truck, and perform and practice and perform and practice and hardly ever sleep. Of course, I knew all of that going in, but I never anticipated that I could feel so crumby doing something I once loved so much.

There is a moment from OCHS band that I remember very clearly being my favorite performance moment. It wasn't a show - it was just a practice, one where it had been raining. I didn't have my shoes on and I was performing only for Mr. Provost, Mrs. Rogers, and the moon. But I have never felt so free. It was almost spiritual. I wanted to experience this in a new more elevated way. "The core of man's spirit comes from new experiences." I went into drum corps excited for lots of these moments.

But those moments didn't come.

I spent practices panicked that I wasn't up to par with my teammates. I was stressed about performances. I cried a lot. I was sick almost the entire summer, not counting my two concussions, a cracked rib? (undiagnosed), an ongoing back injury, not being able to feel my big toes for 4 and a half weeks, and a pretty ugly black eye/ slight nose break combo three days before finals. I spent shows counting my butt off trying to keep in perfect time with the others. I never felt the music or the magic. I felt only the stress of the unattainable goal - perfection.

I should also mention that if you mess up in a show, it's called a Raisin. Well that's just great. My nick name is Raisin. They sang a song before every show called Raisin-free. I couldn't help but feel like every thing I did was a raisin since I am Raisin. Like I was destined to screw something up no matter what. It's like if everyone you've ever loved had affectionately called you "Moron" your whole life only for you to realize that to everyone else, that means you are incompetent or inadequate.

Moreover, I went into drum corps with the hope that I would find home and a family in the organization. I wanted a place where I was loved and accepted. I don't want to say that I didn't find that because there were moments of clarity and love, but I mostly realized that I already have that. When I was in Texas I received a package from mom (and the whole family) that made me cry for about three hours straight. I was so blind to it before, but I have a family who loves me and knows me better than I ever realized. I felt selfish for leaving all of you and ached for the 2015 beach trip with JR and GiGi that I'll never have. I realized that night that I opened that gift that I hadn't smiled in a very long time. I had again found myself in a situation where I was uncharacteristically unhappy and knew that the journey back to myself was going to be a difficult one as long as I was on the road.

So we get to Indy. The only words I have are from American Horror Story - "I prepare for the noble war. I'm calm. I know the secret. I know whats coming and I know no one can stop me not even myself... I don't feel sad. I don't feel anything."

On finals night when I finished my performance (which was the best I've ever performed that show) I was in tears. Not because I was sad it was over and not even really because I was happy it was over. Mostly because I was so relieved and so glad that the staff would never have to deal with me and my lack of instincts again. I loved them so much and wanted to be good for them, but it was never quite enough. I never quite got the consistency I knew they wanted me to have. I never had the lines or extensions that were quite long enough. I didn't lunge deep enough. I never quite went to every drill spot perfectly. And that made it hard for me to even look them in the eyes when I was crying at finals. While everyone else went around sad the season was over, I only wanted to apologize to each person who believed in me for being such a Raisin. I hardly recognized myself. I was in so many ways stronger and in so many other ways weaker. I can't quite say that I became a better person out of all this, even though I'm sure there is long-term growth that inevitably happens when you work on one discipline for three months straight.

But! I made it through. I had some moments of beauty. I finished the season. I met some of the best people in the world. I had a finals run that wasn't bad. I checked drum corps off the list. I met some amazing alumni. Most of all, I am endlessly proud to call myself a Boston Crusader. If I had taken my slow-twirling, noodle-armed self anywhere else, I don't think I would've made it through. But being a Boston Crusader is so special. I can't quite explain it.

So why did I go? Why did I do this? These are the best words I can offer on that...

"The sea's only gifts are harsh blows, and occasionally the chance to feel strong. Now I don't know much about the sea, but I do know that that's the way it is here. And I also know how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong but to feel strong. To measure yourself at least once. To find yourself at least once in the most ancient of human conditions. Facing the blind deaf stone alone, with nothing to help you but your hands and your own head." - Chris McCandless, Into the Wild 

Mostly I'd just like to say that for the most part, I tried to not pity myself and I guess I'm proud of that. I have so much fight in me simply because every single day was a battle. At the end of the day, I'm certainly glad I did. Proud to be a Crusader. And now, BACCG, you are truly Raisin-free. 

Saturday, May 16, 2015

A Miniature Birthday Wish List!

I have great news! I'm a Boston Crusader! I am at the airport now on my way to spend a summer doing what I always hoped I would get the chance to do! I'm really excited, a little nervous, and mostly can't wait to get started.

Since I'll be gone all summer, I thought I'd go ahead and post my birthday wish list. On my 21st birthday (July 11) I'll be in Minneapolis for a show! I guess we'll say happy birthday when I see you in either Opelika or Atlanta - or if you're adventurous, you could come to the Minneapolis show! Other than that, I suppose we'll celebrate when I get home :)

Here are some ideas...

Let me preface by saying - I'd really like the funding to go to NYC with Brady and Devin once tour is over. I'd want to fly from Indianapolis to NYC where Brady and Devin would pick me up and we would hang out for a few days like we did in July! This time we'd be staying in the city for free with some friends, so I'd need a plane ticket there and then home again from NYC to ATL. Obviously, I would need a tiny bit of spending money as well. Just an idea! I really would love to go at the beginning of the semester and again in December when I graduate :) If you take this option, don't worry about any of the ideas below! That would be enough of a 21st birthday present for me!

1.) This stylish backpack. (Color: Grey/Tan Pu)

3. Vera Bradley Beach Towel in Palm Feathers

4. Smartphone Wristlet in Midnight Blues (on sale!)

5. Take note cube in Plum Crazy (on sale!)

6. Straps for my hammock (to replace the ones that dumb brat stole out of my car)

7. This tiny crock pot :)

 8. Focus on DVD (doesn't release on DVD until June 2) but I LOVE this movie!

9. Anthropologie Lipstick (the bright red with strawberries on the tube)

10. This pretty top :) color: red, size: S

12. TOMS wedges in size 7, brown suede 

16. Giftcards Galore! Please!!! I love them! 

-Victoria's Secret
-J Crew
-Discout Dance Supply
-Free People
-Old Navy
-Yeah! Burger
-Jeni's Ice Cream
-Urban Outfitters
-Krispie Kreme
-Gas giftcards
-Bath & Body Works
-Barnes & Noble

17. Joggers - aka my favorite kind of pants ever. Color black size 0

That's pretty much it! Yay! Happy Summer!